Wednesday, 21 January 2009

I cried.
I slept with every single person you knew who would let me.
I told everyone I was going to Berlin for the weekend and went to Sarajevo for a month. And turned my phone off.
I bought a dog. And named her Penny.
I played sad songs and happy songs. I played all the songs i had as loud as i could.
I made up lies about you and repeated them to myself over and over again. I revealed your secrets to anyone who would listen and repeated them over and over again.

I moved city. Got a new job. Met new people. And told no one about you. I created a new history for myself, forgetting those stories that were from our past- which was all my past. I shortened my name, lengthened my hair and changed my fag brand. I forgot that I had been to cities in which we spent time. Went to all those places with someone new and feigned a sense of discovery.

The new you. She had the same name. I didn't even notice for quite some time. It had to be pointed out to me. You didn't exist in the front of my mind any more. After a while I realised that in my head, my memories, my stories that I didn't tell anymore- in those things, locked away, I had replaced your face with hers. We didn't share a past any more. Those jokes belonged to someone else, those times had been confiscated from you and given to her. But whenever I said her name it was really yours that I was saying. The familiarity of that name older than possible with her. It is your name.
And nothing i have done makes any difference to that.