Friday, 13 February 2009

Over the years, here are some of the things I have done to get over you.....

I cried so much I was sick. I cried so much I couldn't wear my contact lenses. They wouldn't fit in my eyes.
I drank red wine and pretended nothing was wrong. I drank more red wine and talked about how it could have been different. We drank red wine and talked about how it wasn't different. Not just once. For years and years. I don't know why I didn't stop that sooner. Perhaps I always thought you'd change your mind.
I sent you long long emails that I thought were sensible and calm but were filled with pain and anger. You never replied to those. I'm not surprised. What would you have said?
I slept with as many people as possible. I always thought of you. I slept with you as much as possible and pretended it meant nothing.
I dated wonderful men who I should have loved. I would never commit. There was no point. You'd always come back. Although you still didn't want me.
I hated going to bed for a while. Every night, I dreamed you kissed me, told me you loved me and said everything was going to be OK. Every morning it felt like I'd lost you again.
I phoned a therapist. I never showed up. What would they say?
I felt humiliated when people asked me if I'd met anyone nice recently. That it would be lovely if I had someone special in my life. What would I say? I have met someone. Someone to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who fills my soul with light and sunshine and stars and music. They just don't want me. But they won't leave me.
And then, I wanted it to be different. I deserved more. I moved south of the river. I left you. I hear you are hurting now. I don't care anymore. It's too late.